Friday, August 29, 2014

Blogging through tears...

Tonight I come to you through a waterfall of tears.

Right now they are angry tears. Asking how? Why?

I'm asking God to show me...I hear no answer, or maybe I do and don't want to listen, I don't know right now. I'm crying out to Him. Why me? Why us? What did I do to deserve this?

I know I didn't deserve anything. Its just the Devil trying to rear his little head in there...

The Bible says it is supposed to be a physical representation of the Holy Trinity and learning how to Love and Serve one another unconditionally. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.

Be Kind and Compassionate to each other, Forgive one another, Just as Christ God forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32

Week one of counseling has yielded nothing really. I just relearned what I knew already but forgot/set aside.

I don't know what he got from it, he isn't talking to me right now.


Ending with tears of sorrow.

Carrie






Thursday, July 24, 2014

Trichotillomania, AKA: Hair Pulling

What is Trichotillomania? (I can not even pronounce that)

Trichotillomania (trik-o-til-o-MAY-nee-uh) is a disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.
Hair pulling from the scalp often leaves patchy bald spots, which causes significant distress and can interfere with social or work functioning. People with trichotillomania may go to great lengths to disguise the loss of hair.
For some people, trichotillomania may be mild and generally manageable. For others, the compulsive urge to pull hair is overwhelming.

(I linked the Mayo clinic site up there ^ )

I have a mild case. I've always had it. One of my earliest (13 years old maybe younger) memories of it, is plucking most of my eye lashes out!!! Youch! right? 
My eye brows have been paper thin before, trying to get a straight line.
I still over pluck sometimes...and have to painfully let them grow back in. I say painfully, but what I mean is resist the urge to pluck and maintain a clean line.
I catch my self doing that with my eye lashes too! If there is one or two out of line I have to pluck. Or resist the urge to. Not really an urge but a compulsive behavior that just happens.

When my third son was born, I developed a habit or compulsion to pluck my hair out. I had a few spots that were BALD on my head. One was at the base of my hairline on the left side of my neck/head. I felt ashamed to put my hair up and let people wonder why. I thought it was stress, until I stumbled upon this disorder. I felt better about it, knowing it was 'real'. I thought it was all stress, overwhelmingness ( <--- a="" baby...new="" house...etc.="" kids...new="" not="" of="" p="" thats="" three="" word...="">
I 'grew' out of that slowly, my hair grew back.

Until recently. about a year ago. I started pulling my hair on my head again, right at the top. I had to part it differently, or rather a deeper side part to cover it up. And still it shows. I see it. Others may not. But I do. I am getting to the point where I may not be able to cover it up. It scares me, but I CAN'T stop!

I have tried occupying my hands.
When I realize what I am doing, get up and move around.
I change the way I'm sitting. I tried a squeeze ball.

I have also noticed my eyebrows getting thinner, and a greater distance from each other.

So I am hoping by admitting this, or rather publicly outing myself I can cope with it better, or lessen it, or hopefully stop it all together!

Do you have Trichotillomania? If so, do you have any techniques that you have in place to avoid plucking?
Or even if you don't, do you have any thoughts on how to overcome, or lessen my 'urge'?

Thanks for getting through all that.
~Carrie

Footnote: I do NOT eat my hair.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Thursday, May 15, 2014

New Family members

If your new to my blog, We have chickens. Last summer we hatched 6 eggs. We currently have two laying hens from those eggs, pretty amazing. Rosie and Valentine. They are Red Dorkings. Or Colored Dorkings.


Rosie in front, Valentine you can see her backside here. Shimmer and Sparkle are the black ones in the back.
 Shimmer and Sparkle are Black Americaunas

The girls run to the gate every time I come out and try to jump it.

Delicious home grown eggs. What could be better? I get light tan ones slightly pink, and a nice green blue color.
I think I told you that Shimmer and Sparkle were Christmas Gifts from some very special friends of ours. They have taught and given me so much. I don't know what I'd do with out them! Thanks Christina and Robert!

So, one night I was going out to put up the girls, into their coop, and lock them down so they don't get attacked by raccoons or possums. I upgraded the run also - fully enclosed it with chicken wire and PVC pipping, so now its more secure and things won't get in, hopefully.


And this little chicken is just roaming around the outside of my run! All by his lonesome self! I was shocked! Kevin (hubby) thought I bought a new one and said I found it, lol. So we scooped it up, put it in a cage inside the porch and posted pictures of him in my chicken group. They told me he was a friggin BALD EAGLE!! I panicked! Then I realized, nah, impossible. So we then decided it was indeed a chicken, after numerous amount of other bird predictions including a turkey...

Odd Ball when we first found him, when he was about 4-5 weeks old.
 He was lonely, So I went to get him some friends....Kevin wasn't so happy about it...

Odd Ball and his new friends.

Odd Balls new friends, Henny Penny (back right), Amelia Bedilia (front right), and Thelma and Louise (two left ones)

Henny Penny turned out to have a scissor beak, its just unaligned jaws. Hard for her to eat and drink, she is half the size of her sisters. She is being babied, gets special food, more love. She is a Buff Orpington. I forget what Amelia Bedilia is, something with a W, and the twins are Barred Rocks.

Now, remember the lovely Lavender Orpingtons I adopted back in December? Well they have grown up. They are beautiful!! Victor and Violet. Violet is not laying yet, but Victor has found his purpose in life, besides crowing. I can't wait to try my hand at hatching his biddies!!



Here are current Pictures of the newbies:

I think Odd Ball is some sort of Game Poultry

Amelia Bedilia is such a sweet girl, very friendly.



~Carrie

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Weird Memories

I was out getting the kids some Klondike bars because their Daddy promised them some if they cleaned their rooms....( I wouldn't call their rooms cleaned, but at least they tried.)

....and was on my way home when I saw a Pontiac Sunfire. It's a sporty car. Every time I see one I am reminded of a friend who drove one, and the memory that pops in my mind is :

We were on our way to an amusement park and she was driving and there was a speed trap, she was pulled over.

That's what I think of.

Also every time I pass by that spot I slow down and check for police. 

Odd.

Do you have any weird memories that pop up when you see certain things?

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Looking back...

I haven't visited my blog in sometime. Been busy, forgot about it, had other things on my mind, etc.

I just posted, and was looking back at my other posts and was getting teary eyed. I am going to look at this one day and really sob.

I need to post more often about my kiddos, its a great 'journal/picture album'.

~Carrie

Mommy Blogger?

Hey. Long time no see!

I went to see Mom's Night Out, Saturday night with a bunch of Sisters from Church. It was a pretty funny movie! Laughing almost all the way through, Tears were shed, from humor and from (not finding the word I'm looking for). Its about a mom who is overwhelmed with being a mom, and takes a night out and things just get worse and funnier from there. The dads try to take care of the kids, a baby is lost, shoulders dislocated, Bikers, Cops, Bowling... This is one for a date night. Its honest, morally clean, down to earth, and every mom and dad can learn from it and relate to it!

I've been struggling as a mom and wife. October last year was a turning point, light bulb clicked moment. Marriage was pretty rocky, not because He was bad or he didst love me, it was bad because I didn't know how it should be. There's alot of differences over the word in the Bible 'Submit', and to Submit to your husbands. The main point is that they are to be respected as the head of the household. I was used to running the show. I was mothering him. When I came upon a few books, (Power of a positive Wife, Marriage Matters and the Wife accompanying booklet, The Proper care and feeding of Husbands) it really changed how I felt about my position in the marriage and how I was wrong. (Hey I wasn't the only one at fault, He had his things too, still does, I still do too, but His aren't my concern, I can't change his, Only mine.)

I think alot of my views were because of how I grew up (I don't know if I use this as an excuse or what, but...) IT was just my mom, brother and I. My grandparents were pretty active in our lives and their marriage was pretty strong, but in our little world, mom was the boss, and me the boss of my brother. There was no man in charge. So in my own marriage I carried that over, I'm the boss. I made most of the decisions, and I tried to mother my husband. Which worsened the relationship I would compare us to others (still do-its really hard not to). I would watch movies and TV shows and get depressed that our life and love wasn't as special or perfect as what I just viewed.

The grass might be greener on the other side, but so is the water bill.

This trickled down to the kids. My kids, I love them, really do, but man is it hard to mother them. I'm supposed to be able to say something and them to do it. NOT NOT NOT NOT I have an eleven year old boy that is mouthy, nothing makes him happy, he likes nothing and hates everything. A 9 year old always right going on 30 little girl. A 6.5 year old boy that is considerably smarter than the rest of us and I am so proud, but he is getting disobedient and slightly off my good list. And lastly a 3.5 year old independent boy who wants candy every five minutes and makes me want to pull my hair out! I am a screaming mother. (UGH!) I hate being a screaming mother. When I ask someone to do something they grumble, complain, and stomp their feet. Makes me so upset. I don't know how to stop them, they don't respond to screaming but yet I still scream. They don't help around the house, They walk by trash and dirty clothes, they don't respect their toys, nor the cleaning I do. Whits END.

I have given up on their rooms, If they want to live like that, fine.

I am going to God for the rest. I am getting on my knees to ask for strength in dealing with the attitudes, the disrespect I and my husband receive from them. I can't do anything else.

I feel like a failure as a mom. I know I am not, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I know God entrusted these children to me. So now I feel like I am failing him.

I'm having a hard time staying Faithful. Our current situation, is financially unfit for a family of six. I could use some prayer warriors out there if I have any followers that pray, please do. I need to put my priorities in order. I am not acting like a Child of God, I am being disobedient to him. I need to follow is rules, how can i expect my kids to listen to me if I don't listen to God. Am I a disappointment to God?